09/15/2023

Items I brought to discuss:

  1. What to do when I feel emotions are going to spill over the dam?
  2. Upcoming vasectomy
  3. Last session IFS things that need to be finished

1: To give context for what I was asking about, I explained that a friend recently confided in me that they are getting a divorce. I mentioned that hearing this news brought up a lot of emotions for me but I felt that if I let myself experience them, then pent up emotions would spill out and that would be unfair to my friend who needed support. She reminded me that I am not a robot and that it is normal to have emotions and I just need to find a healthy way/place to experience/process them. She asked when and where I felt comfortable processing emotions and I said at therapy but that is only once every two weeks and that is a long time to store up emotions. I also mentioned I feel I can talk to Sheralyn about my emotions and I talked about how I had planned to talk to Sheralyn about the emotions I had around this situation but we were particularly busy the past week and we hardly had a chance to see each other, not to mention have a deep conversation about emotions. We talked through this some more and came to the understanding that I felt like I had to talk to another person to process my emotions. We talked about how this might not be the case, and how there are ways to process them on my own. For example I can do a brain dump writing, exercise, or go for a walk while I think about the emotions, and the bilateral movement of walking will help my brain to process the emotions. The main take away I got from this is I need to be better about setting aside time and taking space to experience emotions if I don’t feel it is right to experience them in the moment. I feel like if I can get better at this then there will be less stopped up behind my emotional dam and I won’t be as worried about spill over when things come up, and I can get better about experiencing the emotions in the moment instead of pushing them off. But I need to drain some of the dam first.

2: We talked about my upcoming vasectomy and my anxiety around it. The more we talked we came to the conclusion that my feelings are more centered around how I feel Sheralyn will think of me handling the situation, and less about being squeamish about a medical procedure. Sheralyn and I have talked about it some and she has expressed that this is a very small/easy/low risk procedure and it should not be a big deal. In my head she is saying “I have had 4 c-sections, you have nothing to cry about, get over it”. I realize that I am feeling belittled and that my feelings of concern, worry and fear are not valid. This also goes back to the core beliefs that I have been working on that if I disappoint or inconvenience people like Sheralyn it will make me unloveable to them. I resolved to talk through this with Sheralyn to help her see how I am feeling and see if we can resolve some things and make me feel more prepared for the vasectomy.

3: We then turned back to where we left off at the end of the last session. I was a little hesitant because it was really disorienting and uncomfortable when I was feeling like I was falling continually. We started our IFS session, and at first I was not able to sense any parts. Then I had the sensation that I was spinning very fast and was dizzy. She said that was a part blending with the self again and we needed it to un-blend. We asked it to un-blend but it was not cooperating. He was not listening to me/self so she asked if she could talk to him directly. She tried to convince him that I was not young and he said that age does not matter. She asked what would happen if it stopped performing its role of blocking/protecting and he said he would be destroyed. She explained that we would not let that happen and that we wanted him to give us some space so we could make sense of things. He thought this was a trap and as soon as he would un-blend we would banish him and he would be destroyed. She then explained that we would give him another role/job to do and eventually, she convinced him to un-blend and go into the waiting room. Once he was in the waiting room, my head stopped spinning and my disorientation cleared. It was a weird sensation for her to be speaking to one of my parts and it to be responding with my mouth but the words were his not mine/self. (do I want to talk about how this seems kinda like possession and freaks me out?)

3.1: We then saw a little boy that was trapped under water, he was very far away like we were looking at him through a pirate eyeglass. We got closer and he was unconscious on the beach. I revived him and he did not know why he was trapped and wanted to play. We took him to a field of grass and a sand box with cars and he went off to play.

3.2: We let the other part out of the waiting room. He was manifesting as a gray ungulating cloud still. We showed him the boy and how happy he was playing and asked what he thought of this. He said he was confused because there was no danger to protect the boy from. We explained that the boy is safe now and he does not need to worry about him anymore. As he started to understand this his form transitioned into a human man form. We asked him what he wanted to do now that he did not need to protect the boy from danger. He said he wanted to explore and learn new things. A sail boat appeared and he hopped on it and sailed off into the sunset.

3.3: We thanked the parts for talking to us and told them we would check in with them again in the future and we ended the IFS session. My therapist thanked me for letting her help in the session. She said it was really cool that we were able to help an exile part(the little boy) and then help the blocker/protector part(the gray blob that turned into a sailer) find a new role.

I feel like it was a very useful session, we discussed everything I wanted to and I feel like I got the answers/tools I needed. I am also glad we were able to wrap up the IFS stuff it was kinda weird to leave it unfinished the last couple times.

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